Learning to Become Kinder: 12 Effective Recommendations

Jun 21, 2019


Do you want to be happy? Just be yourself! But it is important to be able to give happiness to others, and only kind people are capable of this. Each of us can periodically show altruism and compassion, be attentive and caring. But kindness as a quality of a person which was so much valued before, today, unfortunately, is increasingly referred to as “spinelessness” and has become unpopular. But it’s never too late to change, because the quality of kindness is like muscles that can be trained. In the article we will talk about how to become kinder, softer and calmer.



  •  What is kindness?
  •  A look at the world through the eyes of a kind person
  •  Why do you need to be kind? Examples of the positive effects of kindness
  •  How to become kinder: Twelve recommendations

What is kindness?

Kindness is the spiritual quality within a person, which is expressed by a gentle, caring attitude towards other people, animals and nature and the desire to do something good. This is not an instantaneous act to “clear one’s own conscience”, but a vital concept of the action of bringing a particle of light into the world. [1]

How is kindness shown?

• care,

• attention,

• mercy,

• selfless help,

• responsiveness,

• goodwill.

Are people born like this or become as such? It is believed that a person has generosity from birth. Judge for yourself. Almost all children, seeing that someone is feeling bad, react sharply to this – they try to help and are even ready to share toys in order to console others. But kindness, as life “tempers” us, goes missing. Its place is taken by prudence, commercialism, and self-interest. [1]


It is believed that kind people cannot achieve anything in life, because they constantly help others, forgetting about themselves. But a kind person is kind not only to those around, but also to himself/herself. He/she has an active life position, high moral qualities and has developed fortitude and empathy. It is easier for such a person to go through life with his/her head high and achieve success in the set goals.

A look at the world through the eyes of a kind person

The concept of “kindness” has now, for some reason, become synonymous with “weak will”. But these qualities have nothing in common with each other. A kind person, unlike a weak-willed person, will never succumb to the influence of another to commit a nasty act. He/she knows what is “good” and “bad,” and can make decisions accordingly.

A person who knows how to be kind:

• is attentive and responsive to everyone – relatives, colleagues, even strangers;

• follows his/her convictions, even if they result in some negative consequences for him/her;

• is brought up to be polite in relation to all around;

• does not experience negative emotions towards people just because they are of a different race and religion;

• always advocates for the weak;

• easily perceives rigor and constructive criticism;

• does good things, not expecting praise and material rewards;


• knows how to listen to others without imposing own opinions and without condemning. [2]

Why do you need to be kind? Examples of the positive effects of kindness

It would seem that the absence of clearly bad actions towards others or donating to charity when in the mood is enough for you to stop working on yourself. But you should not dwell on a single donation to help those in need. Try to form a positive attitude towards the world and people as a whole in order to multiply the good continuously. Just one good deed, even if at first glance insignificant, will “touch” at least three people – yourself, the one to whom you have done the deed, and the one who saw it. There is nothing easier, but your positive attitude towards the world thus grows exponentially.

Why is it important to stop being angry? Here are some examples of the positive effects of kindness on all areas of life:

1. Kindness always comes back

Practice shows that good deeds come back to us a hundredfold. It is not clear how exactly this “works”; there is no scientific evidence. But kind people say: if you just help the needy, in the near future you can expect gifts from fate. These are not some kind of material “rewards”, but their significance is no less valuable for a person.

2. Kind people live longer

It turns out that being kind is good for your health. Scientists say that people who rarely get  angry and do not upset others live longer. This is because a positive attitude protects us against stress and depression – the factors that negatively affect well-being. [3]

3. Kind people become more beautiful with age

Beauticians emphasize that good people only become more beautiful with age. It’s all about facial wrinkles. Facial expressions are almost impossible to control. In angry and aggressive people, the face is constantly tense and twisted in some kind of mask, which “prints” ugly deep wrinkles on the forehead and creates nasolabial folds with age. A kind person looks much better – funny sparkles in the eyes, and an attractive scattering of small facial wrinkles in the corners of the eyes from frequent smiles. [3]

4. Kind people do not face loneliness

Kind people are easy to talk to, they make great friends who always come to the rescue. Such people seem to attract similarly positive people. They never, unlike the angry ones, grow old in loneliness. They are able to adapt easily to any company.

5. Kind people get what they want in a shorter time


A friendly attitude to others helps achieve your goals faster. While a bad person spends all the energy trying to “eliminate” opponents from the path, moving further and further away from the plan, the kind one acts. He/she is helped (both by deed and by advice) and is given motivating support, which greatly simplifies the solution of serious problems.

How to become kinder: Twelve recommendations

“I am an angry person. It is a fact. I want to be kinder, but I don’t know how to change myself. I am already 30 years old, but I don’t have a child, not even a regular partner. I lost all my friends because of my bad character. It always seemed to me that they were all more successful than me – richer, smarter, luckier. This gave rise to anger and unhealthy envy – it was easier to completely distance myself from these once close people. I was able to successfully complete my studies at a prestigious university and to move up the career ladder. But I had to go behind the back of my colleague. I know that this is dishonest, and good people don’t do it, but I really wanted to quickly get a good position. Now my colleagues are shunning me. This used to amuse me, but now it bothers me – I create an unhealthy atmosphere in the team. They constantly gossip about me, which makes me very angry.

I don’t really like noisy company, and most of my colleagues just annoy me. I cannot restrain myself from passing some caustic remark. In my heart I understand that it is very difficult to communicate with me. It’s necessary for me to correct the situation, otherwise I’ll be alone in old age”.

– Marina, 30

Kindness cannot be found on any counter in the store, but this quality can be developed. To find the answer to the question “how to become a kind person?” the recommendations of psychologists will help:

1. It all starts with a smile

Kindness and goodwill begin with a smile. This is the same trigger that sets up the interlocutor for positive communication. Smile more often. And it doesn’t matter to whom exactly – a colleague, a conductor on a bus, a vendor in a store. A smile will give you strength and self-confidence.

2. Develop your empathy skills

Empathy is a quality of personality that is a characteristic of a kind person. He/she will always find both time and strength to listen another and to support him/her even with a frank conversation. Develop the skills of empathy, not forgetting that goodwill will certainly return. Learn to read other people’s emotions and express your sympathy with the words “I understand you”, “I understand your feelings”. Perhaps at first you will do this purely mechanically. But very soon you will begin to feel that you really understand the interlocutor.

3. Slow down your irritation

So, you want to say something sharp and insulting to the statement of the conversationalist? Become kinder and calmer. Try to notice and work out negative emotions in yourself. Try to understand what exactly prompted the person to utter the thoughtless phrase – anger, momentary irritation or, perhaps, a bad day. Look at the whole situation from the side, as if sitting in a movie theater. This will help reduce the degree of your irritation and help you respond more favorably. Perhaps the interlocutor did not want to harm and somehow offend you.

4. Be attentive to loved ones

A person – even one who can be called kind – often forgets to be careful to loved ones. There is also a category of people who are charming and time-giving for others but stay for their relatives eternally busy persons. The temptation to be kind in the eyes of others is very great, since this is a chance to become more significant, to get a lift of a social status. But to support a wife / husband, parents, a child is much more difficult, you may need to give this more time and effort.

Set priorities correctly and spend time with loved ones every day. Solve common problems, pay attention and show your care. Even if the day was not the easiest, in the evening refrain from reproach and unproductive criticism and avoid petty quarrels over trifles. This is where kindness begins.

5. Give communicative “gifts” to others

It’s so easy to compliment a colleague, say hello to the seller at the counter or say “thank you” to your family for providing a tasty, prepared dinner.

But even these everyday actions are somehow forgotten in a series of endless business activities. Train your muscle of kindness, setting a rule to make communicative gifts every day – say hello, thank you and give compliments. In response to politeness and kindness, you will see on the face of the other person the whole palette of emotions charged with positive energy.

6. Be an optimist

It is easier for an optimistic person to live and overcome difficulties. An optimist won’t even have a thought of committing an evil deed for mercantile purposes, since he/she is sure that there are other ways to achieve his/her goal.

To learn kindness, try to look at life more optimistically, moving away from external irritating factors. This will prevent you from plunging into depression.

Start your day with gratitude: to parents – for the gift of life, to household members – for helping you in every endeavor, to colleagues and the boss – for opportunities to develop and show your skills at work. This useful morning ritual will provide optimism and help you take on the world.

7. Know how to forgive

All the anger that accumulates in thoughts spurred by negative actions of others returns to us. This feeling gives rise to feelings of irritation, revenge and unmotivated aggression. A wise, kind person does not allow himself/herself to be in the grip of such dark emotions.

It’s time to stop being angry and irritable. Learn to forgive and let negative situations go. It is not a question of turning the other cheek for the next vile blow of the ill-wisher. Just try to look at the situation from a slightly different angle and draw the appropriate conclusions. Do not accumulate anger and resentment and do not respond with negative actions. A kind person does not waste his/her energy on aggression and continues to think positively.

8. Be sincere and selfless

Insincerity is always noticeable. Therefore, even a good deed committed for some selfish purpose can hardly be called genuine.

“No need to seem kind. Need to become kind!” Good deeds done for show characterize a person not from the best angle. Sincere goodness must come from the heart. A genuine person does not think what benefit a good deed will bring. He/she immediately acts to help another – with advice, money, action.

9. Be generous

Generosity is one of the manifestations of human kindness. When there is an opportunity to share something with those in need, do so. Generosity is not “giving the last” in order to remain hungry later. You can help even with your actions and support. It will be very pleasant for a needy person to at least feel your participation and empathy.

10. Learn to apologize

It seems that there is nothing easier than saying “I’m sorry”. But many people think that apologizing means being weak. This is not true. Only an ignorant person does not apologize, and a kind person will always find the right words to make amends for a misdeed.

Become stronger and kinder. Forget your own pride and say “I’m sorry” when it is necessary. It does not matter in what form – written or oral, personally, or indirectly. It will become easier for you to realize that you did the right thing.

11. Do not get involved in conflicts and do not become their reason

Why instill a conflict if an agreement can be reached peacefully? Do not waste your inner energy on evil squabbles and finger-pointing.

Restraint is the privilege of kind people. If you see that the interlocutor, in spite of well-reasoned arguments, does not accept your point of view, refrain from insults in a raised voice and making accusations. It is better to end the conflict. This is not a manifestation of weakness! You just save yourself from communicating with an “impenetrable”, aggressive person. Take this fact for granted and move on.

And of course, do not become a cause of conflict in the team. Do not indulge in gossip and do not do things that can lead to a serious quarrel.

12. Do what you love

How many people are completely disappointed in life? A person often becomes totally embittered because he/she doesn’t do what he/she would like to, such as performing an unloved job or constantly fighting for a decent salary. This will, of course, destroy all positive emotions and lead away from happiness and success.

To become better and kinder, you need to find a way to self-actualize and begin to engage in what gives real joy. If you understand that your current work brings nothing but constant anger and annoyance, it is worth trying to find something else for yourself.

Deciding on the fundamental changes in life is extremely difficult, especially if a particular type of activity brings a good income. In this case, you should find a pleasant hobby that will become an outlet for stresses at work. Try to reconsider your attitude to the team and to the activity you are doing – find the positive aspects of your position and try to learn how to enjoy the tasks that you perform.

Negative beliefs and attitudes take away our sense of strength and capability, in this state it is more difficult to be kind. Thoughtless acts, a malicious attitude towards others – these are bad habits and an established model of behavior that only embitters your life.

One of the effective ways to develop kindness is by using the 7Spsy behavior modification technique. This certified, scientifically confirmed method is based on the theories of I.P. Pavlov, B.F. Skinner, A.A. Ukhtomsky and others.

Participation in the course will help change the pathological model of behavior that prevents you from being a kind, responsive person. The desire to become kinder is realized only through radical changes and the replacement of negative attitudes with positive ones. The psychologist will help you get rid of the bad internal critic, who constantly repeats “enemies are around” and “where do I go?”, thereby preventing participation and concern for others. You will take a different look at your life and understand that kindness is a source of happiness and prosperity. A positive view of the surrounding reality is much more productive than negative emotions. So you will save yourself from energy-intensive quarrels at work and at home and from conflicts with friends.

The course of behavior modification is designed for 2-6 weeks. The client trains remotely at a convenient time. At the same time, the psychologist advises on all matters of interest and helps complete the course fully – by phone and e-mail, in online chat rooms. If you consider it necessary, you need not inform colleagues and relatives about participation in the program. The program is completely confidential.


To become kind means to become smart, honest, responsible, and decent. These qualities are highly valued in society and are great assets to help achieve success in life.

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