No Chance for Happiness: How Negative Attitudes Prevent us from Loving

Jun 26, 2019

“In my opinion, I do not know how to fall in love with men. I have never experienced a lack of male attention, they have been dating me all my life, and they were always getting my attention. But I have nothing inside, only emptiness. But the men were perfectly worthy. They were handsome,  clearly purposeful with their money, and knew how to care. But it didn’t work. My kind of man was not among them. Yes, I enjoy the signs of attention, but I don’t want to give anything in return. Well, of course, a single man could not tolerate this for long without seeking reciprocity and everyone left. And so, the question is, how will I find my love if some part of me resists this? And the prospect of aging alone is not appealing. Tell us what to do if you have never loved, if, in principle, you do not know how to love?”

– Zhanna, 32

Humans needs other humans, and this is undeniable. Each of us needs a person who can share our daily routine and bright emotions. Everyone needs warmth, emotional closeness and affection. Therefore, the question of how to find the “love of your life” worries, perhaps, everyone who has not yet found such a “soul mate”.

But here’s the paradox. In the past, people had no problems with choosing a partner for usually this issue was decided by the parents of the bride and groom. Other circumstances also influenced the decision – for example, economic benefits. Now we are free to choose, and this is really a great step forward. However now there are many more problems with finding love. Thousands of women are left alone, unable to fall in love or, on the contrary, they may suffer from love addiction or suffer violence for years because of fear of losing a partner. And then they finally leave – and fall into the same situations again.

It’s a vicious circle, but there is a way out of it: you just need to change your thinking and behavior.

If you have been suffering from loneliness for a long time and have been regularly disappointed in love, this article is for you. We will tell you how negative experience prevents a woman from loving but how, having overcome the negativity it is possible to meet her love and marry the man of her dreams.



    1. What is love?
    2. Negative attitudes that interfere with relationships
      • Paradox of passion
      • Fear of intimacy
      • Striving for the ideal
      • Self-depreciation
      • Passivity
      • Unreasonable jealousy
    3. What to do to get married
    4. How can a girl find her love by changing behavior patterns?

What is love?

Throughout history, philosophers, poets and scientists have tried to answer this question, but they are yet to come to a consensus. Perhaps because they have made the concept too complicated. From the point of view of psychology, everything is much simpler. Love is a deep affection for another person. It is based on three components:

  • emotional: spiritual intimacy, friendship;
  • physical: sexual desire, passion;
  • moral: obligations to another person, responsibility for relationships.

Often, love is taken only as passion or light love, when interest in a person is adjacent only to physical attraction. But true love can only be spoken about when all three components are in harmony.

There is another important aspect that many people forget: love must bring happiness. If a person experiences suffering from this feeling, we can talk about love addiction.

Love does not have to be mutual. Yes, it is possible to experience happiness even when you receive nothing in return. But to build a deep and happy relationship, attachment needs to be mutual. In a relationship, harmony is important. If one person loves and the other merely allows him/herself to be loved, such a relationship will not last long. Both partners will suffer because of the imbalance, since it is impossible to constantly only give or only accept. So, for true love, it is important to be able to do both.

Negative attitudes that interfere with relationships

“I’m already 36 years old, but I still don’t know how to build relationships with men. And, it seems, I never knew how. I have fallen in love many times and tried to start a family, but each time it ended badly. My partners did not seem to love me really, but only allowed me to love them. And I gave myself completely to the relationship, diving into it, wishing to do everything so that my beloved one would be happy. But in return I received only loneliness. No man ever truly fell in love with me, they all either went to other women, or simply closed themselves from me, or preferred work and friends. I still don’t understand what the problem was. Maybe I do not know how to show my love. Or is it just boring being with me? Maybe I don’t know how to love men at all. What should I do if this is the case? I really want to find true love and get married, but the years are passing by, and the chances are fewer”.

– Irina, 36

We all know how difficult it is to find the right person in love. It’s even harder to figure out when you find your love. Couples who met at kindergarten, and now take their youngest child there, are extremely rare. Most often, in order to meet one’s destiny, one has to go through the experience of unhappy relationships.

Surviving failures in love is completely normal, it is only important not to focus on the negative experiences and be able to move on. Many have problems with this. Most often, a girl discovers that she is repeating a certain mode of relationships with different men and cannot change this in any way. Let’s see why this happens.

  1. Paradox of Passion

We have already mentioned the situation when one partner loves and the other only allows love. With this model of relationships, one person loves more and more, while the feelings of the other fade. The first passionately wants love, the second is not ready to give it. Moreover, the roles of “leader” and “subordinate” can be played by both men and a women. In the same ways, roles can constantly change. [1]

How are such relationships formed? As often the case, the problem can be found in the unconscious attitudes learned in childhood. If a child constantly had to fight for the love of parents, for example, via good grades or household chores, in adult life he/she will still seek the approval of a partner, because the mindset has already formed that love must be earned. Also, the paradox of passion affects women who had to grow up early to fulfill parental functions in childhood. This happens, for example, if the parents had some addictions or a girl was the eldest child and constantly needed to look after the younger siblings. Growing up, such women are subconsciously looking for a partner who they can take care of, getting “permission” to do this.


In the opposite direction, this principle begins to work when the more loving partner gets tired and moves away. Then the other feels that the source of love has dried up and begins to increasingly gravitate towards it. Such a game can go on for ages, and the fear of being alone is always the case.


  1. Fear of intimacy

It happens that a woman may live with her husband for many years, but her relationship does not satisfy her for she lacks emotional closeness. Or, in search of love, she often changes partners, but finds no-one with whom it is possible to build a truly warm and sincere relationship. Oddly enough, the problem here may not be always her partner’s. Rather, the opposite: perhaps he is trying to get closer to her, but each time she avoids this closeness, and as a defensive reaction she seeks shortcomings in her partner.

In some instances the girl is afraid of close relationships. In them, she sees only dependence on her partner. She prefers to keep her distance to make it easier to set boundaries, and, of course, if a loved one suddenly wants to leave, it will not hurt so much. [2]

Such a model of behavior can manifest itself after an unsuccessful experience, such as betrayal, cheating, or simply a relationship with a “cold” partner who did not approve the manifestation of feelings and was never able to be frank. As a result, an attitude is formed that men cannot be trusted and that a loved one will surely leave or betray sooner or later, which means there is no point in getting close to him.


  1. Striving for the ideal

Fear of close relationships can also manifest itself in a constant desire for an unattainable ideal. In the head of the woman there is an image of an ideal relationship, and she passes each man she meets through this filter. But fear makes her focus solely on his flaws. “Is it possible to build a relationship with a person who wears such shirts?”


She thinks only of a man who will sincerely love her, dreaming of “true” ideal love She thus deprives herself of a chance for happiness with a real man.


  1. Self-depreciation

Another setting that interferes with building relationships is disbelief in one’s own attractiveness. “Is it possible to love someone like me?” – a woman may think and reject any sign of attention in her direction seeing any interest in the manifestation of feelings only as a lie and malicious intent. Of course, with this view of the world, the probability of falling in love is close to zero. After all, how do you find your destiny and meet your love, if you do not know how to love even yourself? Women with such attitudes can constantly fall in love with men who are indifferent to them, or else with obviously inaccessible men – for example famous actors.

This comes again, from childhood. If parents constantly criticize their daughter’s appearance, character, or abilities, and pay attention exclusively to her shortcomings or even ignore her, the complexes in adulthood would not take long to become established. The negative experience of relationships can play a role, especially in adolescence, when the opinion of a partner is especially significant for a young girl.

5. Passivity

“I need to be conquered,” – these words can often be heard from girls. This is a very popular mindset, which, of course, comes from the traditional culture, where the man takes the first step and conquers the woman in every way. There is nothing wrong with this point of view, if not taken to extremes. Otherwise, you can be left alone for after all, the man who is so much in love will sooner or later get tired of seeking his beloved girl, if he does not feel reciprocity. For harmonious relationships, an equal contribution is important even at the very beginning. Therefore, the girl should also take steps towards her partner and express her feelings for him and give him gifts, say nice words and go out to dates. This does not detract from femininity, rather, on the contrary, it is precisely these manifestations of feelings that men are waiting for.

6. Unreasonable jealousy

Many women are firmly convinced that all men are cheating. This stereotype is strongly supported by popular culture. Moreover, some men, falling under this influence, begin to cheat on their partners without any desire, just trying to look macho in the eyes of society. And women, seeing examples of infidelity in works of art and in life, only affirm themselves and suffer from jealous thoughts, bombarding their partner, even if he had no betrayal in his thoughts.

But more often jealousy is not unreasonable. Subconsciously, the girl may choose precisely such men who are prone to adultery. If this situation is familiar to you, we recommend reading an article on how to overcome male infidelity.

We have listed only a few subconscious attitudes that affect behavior and prevent women from meeting true love. Of course, in fact, there are more – perhaps as many as women on the Earth. But there is only one piece of advice on working with such attitudes: you need to determine exactly which of these are entrenched in the subconscious, and what kind of behavior model has ultimately formed, and replace them with those that will help build strong relationships.

What to do to get married

For many women, not only the question of how to find their true love is important, but also how to marry a loved one. The situation where a couple has been together for many years, but a man is in no hurry to make a proposal is not uncommon. There are many couples who have had children, but have still not filed an application with the registry office. What do you do with this problem?

In our culture, it has long been accepted that the man takes the first step. He cares for the girl, seeks her attention, initiates relationships, and then offers the ring. Of course, such an arrangement is ideal for many women. But it is worth remembering that we live in the 21st century. Firstly, now marriage has fewer rational reasons: a man and a woman who work approximately the same way and earn equally, may well live together without marriage. And secondly, a woman herself can now take the initiative, and this will not bother anyone.

Therefore, if it is important for you to be married and you want to create a real family – talk about it. Other people do not know how to read thoughts, they may not know that something does not suit you, especially if everything is fine in a relationship. Perhaps your partner himself is happy to get married, he just thinks that you do not need it. Raise this topic yourself, share your feelings and dreams about a beautiful wedding. If your relationship is strong and trustful enough, it is likely that the man will agree with you. [3]


If you don’t hear a definite “yes” in response, give your partner some time. Perhaps he needs to get used to this new thought for himself. And after a few months, he will to legitimize your relationship. 

How can a girl find her love by changing behavior patterns?

So, we have confirmed that negative attitudes and habits that have developed throughout life often interfere with gaining love. So, to meet your soul mate, you need to change them to more positive ones. The 7Spsy behavior modification technique is aimed at this. This is a patented method of behavioral psychology, based on the theories of famous psychologists I.P. Pavlov, B.F. Skinner, A.A. Ukhtomsky.

During the course, in 2-6 weeks, a girl will be able to change her model of behavior. So, she will have more chances to build and develop a happy relationship.

The course is carried out remotely and begins with the diagnosis of the problem. Throughout the course you will be supported by a professional psychologist, who you can contact via online chat, e-mail or phone.

Thanks to the 7Spsy method, you can look at yourself from the outside. You will be able to change what used to prevent you from building strong relationships, and you will feel that you will be ready to love. Meeting with the man of your dreams will not be far away, and true love and happiness will finally come into your life.



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